The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom
by Meg Kenobi
Summary: Candyland, flaming house-elves and the facts of life are in store! Set the summer before OotP, mayhem ensues when the Marauders, the Weasleys and the Order of the Phoenix members are stuck inside Grimmauld place together. Chapter 4: Mary Sue visits!
1. Default Chapter

Title: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom  
  
Author: Meg Kenobi (afirmation@aol.com)  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Candyland, flaming house-elves and the facts of life! Set the summer before OotP, mayhem ensues when the Marauders, the Weasleys and the Order of the Phoenix are stuck inside together.  
  
Disclaimer: In case you haven't noticed yet, this whole fan fiction bit is all copywrite infringement. I don't own Harry Potter or any of its respective trademarks. I won't sue you, you don't sue me and we'll be a big, happy copy write protected family.  
  
Author's Note: I'm not really that funny. But this amusing idea struck me as to what exactly was going on that summer in the house of Black. Anyway, if this is just lame, sorry. I'll try to update soon. ---  
  
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom  
  
Sirius Black stared at the game board and contemplated his next move. Dumbledore had strictly ordered Remus, the Weasleys, Hermione, Tonks and Sirius not to leave Grimmauld Place until the other Order members arrived. The owl carrying that command had arrived two weeks ago and still there was no sign of the others. Meanwhile, boredom was mounting with in the estate.  
"All right," Sirius sighed triumphantly, "I've got it."  
"No," moaned Remus, "No, you don't. You don't have the first clue. You're just guessing."  
"Quiet, Moony," Sirius growled, "I know exactly what I'm doing. It was White in the billiards room with the revolver." He grinned broadly, put down his cards and opened the 'top secret' envelope. Suddenly, Sirius' face fell. "Professor Plum. Wrench. Conservatory," he read aloud. Ron laughed, Hermione rolled her eyes and Remus dropped an exasperated head to the table top.  
"Honestly!" Hermione cried, "Six games in a row, now. No one can win because you keep guessing wrong. Completely ungrounded guesses! Look at this," she gestured at his cards. "White was in your hand! How could she have been the killer?!"  
"Told you we should have played Monopoly," muttered Ginny.  
"It's not my fault Kreacher ate the hotels!" Sirius retorted hotly, getting to his feet.  
"Let's just do something else," Lupin offered quietly, folding up the Clue board.  
"Please, please no more high-stakes Candyland," Ron cut in, "I already owe Fred and George five Galleons. No more board games, all right?" There was a long pause as all of Grimmauld's inhabitants tried to come up with something to do.  
"We could string Kreacher up by his toes and pretend he's a piñata," Sirius offered.  
"HONESTLY!" Hermione shrieked and the assembly groaned, anticipating the coming lecture. Mercifully, Mrs. Weasley chose that moment to enter.  
"Lunch is ready," she announced. "Come help me put it on the table." They all leapt up, grateful for the distraction. "Where is that Tonks girl now?" inquired Mrs. Weasley, surveying the group.  
"She went up to the roof to work on her tan," Hermione said, frowning in distaste.  
"Go fetch her, eh, Moony?" Sirius ordered, nudging his friend who begrudgingly took to the stairs. Sirius returned to carting plates and silverware to the table. An empty silence hung in the room as lunch was set out. Without warning, the quiet was shattered by two feminine shrieks, the slamming of a door and heavy footfalls on the stairs.  
Hermione paled and whispered, "You know, Tonks' exact words were, 'I'm going up to the roof to work on my bikini tan lines.' You don't suppose she meant without her--?"  
At that moment, Lupin burst into the kitchen, his eyes covered as he muttered something about the most disturbing sight of his life. Tonks clamored close behind, wrapped in only a towel, screaming and chucking dungbombs at Lupin's head.  
Sirius sighed ruefully. It was going to be a long summer. 


	2. Pillows, Showers, Elves, and Such

Chapter II  
  
Disclaimer: If I were J.K. Rowling, I'd be writing Year 6, not fan fiction. Obviously I do not own Harry Potter or any of its respective trademarks. No infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.  
  
Author's Note: I'm baaack. Hmm...the song lyrics -- I don't know who they belong to. A friend downloaded it from Kazaa and burned it onto a CD she made me. If you own the song; sorry. I don't pretend it's mine. Also, I don't know. . . is the song offensive? I am very sorry if you think so and I will remove it if you just tell me there's a problem. Otherwise, enjoy the madness and feel free to leave any suggestions for further havoc in your review. Thanks!!! ((Again, sorry for the short chapter, but AP English is a living hell and leaves me no time for fan fiction.)) ---  
  
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom  
II: Pillows, Showers, Elves, and Such  
  
"How long has she been in there now?"  
"Going on an hour."  
"I hope you know that this is all your fault, Moony. She said she was washing off the germs you gave her."  
"You're the one who sent me up there!"  
"Oi!" Ron butted in, "Enough already. It's not the showering that's bad. It's the bloody singing. Your arguing is almost as bad as -- ."  
"I'm the only gay Eskimo! I'm the only one IIIIIIII knooow! I'm the only gay Eskimo in myyyy tribe," pounded through the ceiling in a painfully off-key falsetto.  
"Never mind. The arguing's not even half as bad as the singing," Ron amended, hands clamped over his ears.  
"Well, me and Nuckfluckchuckbuck, we both like blubber, but me I've got this crazy fetish for rubber, " Tonks continued to howl the next verse.  
"SHUT UP!" Chorused half a dozen voices from around the room, all staring in annoyance at the ceiling.  
"Hermione, don't you know any spells to block the sound? Or maybe to make her lose her voice in a permanent sort of way?" Sirius implored.  
"She's not speaking to you," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "Something about Spew and the piñata joke. I think that's it, at least. Maybe it's just that time of the month." Hermione gave a disgruntled shriek and chucked a cushion at Ron's head.  
"I think she's got an idea there," Black mused. He picked up two of the pillows and smushed them on either side of Remus's head. "Hold that thought, Moony," he said and ducked into the kitchen. A moment later he reappeared with a roll of spello-tape and shortly began to circle Lupin's head with the tape, sticking the pillows in place.  
"Hey, that's actually a lot better!" Lupin hollered.  
"Yeah, but you look ridiculous."  
"So I'm taking them off then?"  
"No, leave it. It's kind of funny." Remus followed in Hermione's suit and hurled a pillow at Sirius.  
"I'll teach you!" Sirius laughed. He had meant to hit Remus, but instead he sent Fred flying off his chair. George vengefully pelted Black with cushions from the davenport. At the same time, Ron took advantage of the havoc to forcefully return the pillow Hermione had thrown. In only moments, furniture was being flipped over and anything that could be lobbed across the room was. Ginny had produced a supply of dung bombs and was now hurtling them at anyone she could spot. Fred and George had retaliated with a burst of their enchanted fireworks, which were madly rolling back and forth through the small room. Sirius tried hurriedly to vanish them, only to have the fireworks increase tenfold. Through the stinking, sparking clouds, Black caught sight of Remus trying to crawl away unnoticed.  
"Oh no you don't!" Black hollered. With a flourish of his wand, a new stack of cushions magically appeared, avalanching on top of Lupin. Lupin didn't even bother to work his way out as Sirius needlessly leapt on top of the pile, pinning a resigned Lupin.  
Over the chaos, no one had taken notice of the portrait of Black's mother screaming again. Kreacher was greatly distraught, though and was now climbing on top of the sofa. With a sound like a cross between an airhorn and a dying moose, Kreacher let out an ear piercing howl. All eyes were suddenly on the house elf.  
"TRAITORS AND MUDBLOODS! PROFANERS OF MY LADY'S HOME--"  
"I'm getting sick of this," Sirius hissed at a dangerous whisper, getting to his feet as Kreacher continued to scream and berate them. Remus poked his head up through the pile of cushions and implored Sirius not to do anything stupid.  
Sirius walked towards Kreacher with a wicked grin on his face. He pulled out his wand and cried, "Incendio!" At once the house elf burst into flame. Kreature screeched and began to throw himself around the room, doing what seemed to be a demented version of the Electric Slide as he hurtled himself against the walls and floor in an attempt to extinguish the fire.  
Sirius howled with laughter, as did most of the rooms occupants. Ron laughed almost as hard as Black until Hermione hit him hard upside the head. At last Kreacher stopped his disturbed display and tore up the stairs.  
"Go. . . catch him . . . Moony, put . . . him out," Sirius wheezed through fits of laughter as he watched Lupin take the stairs two at a time, desperate to clean up after another of Sirius's stupid mistakes. Hermione glared at Black in fury for a long moment before clamping a hand over her mouth in a sudden realization.  
"You don't think Kreature was headed for the running water, do you? Professor Lupin wouldn't follow--." Above them a door slammed, there was the sound of a water sizzling onto water, two feminine screams, a blow landing and then the solid thud of a body falling.  
"Yeah," muttered Sirius, looking up from a letter that had just arrived by owl. "I'd say that's where he was headed and that Moony followed him right on in. I'd better go patch things up--Snape is coming in this afternoon. It just get worse. . ." 


	3. Enter the Circus

Chapter III by Meg Kenobi afirmation@aol.com  
  
Disclaimer: If I were J.K. Rowling, I'd be writing Year 6, not fan fiction. Obviously I do not own Harry Potter or any of its respective trademarks. No infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.  
  
Author's Note: I'm baaack. All right, in this chapter, I was considering having Snape bring his girlfriend, Mary Sue. But here's my quandary: have we writers gotten so frustrated with Mary Sue that our parodies are getting as lame as Mary Sue herself? I shall debate this as I write chapter IV. Otherwise, enjoy the madness and feel free to leave any suggestions for further havoc in your review. Thanks to all who've read and reviewed!!! ((Again, sorry for the short chapter, but AP English is a living hell and leaves me no time for fan fiction.)) ---  
  
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom III: Enter the Circus  
  
"Welcome, Greasy Git," Snape read out loud. Charming. The banners were Black's doing, no doubt. He wished the school term had begun. Then he could deduct points from Gryffindor out of spite. Severus stood in the anteroom of Grimmauld Place, feeling angry and absolutely absurd. He had needed to travel through muggle means in order not to be followed or magically traced. Needless to say he was in muggle garb, a subject he had never quite understood. He got the impression from the laughing muggles he'd seen on his way over that the olive skirt and magenta dress shirt really didn't match. Color coordination wasn't Severus' strong point; there was something to be said for wearing all black. There again, he wondered if maybe muggle men simply didn't wear skirts. He decided to duck into the bathroom and change.  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Sirius was busy with a roll of muggle duct tape. He had physically forced Kreacher into a roasting pan and was trying to affix the lid with the tape.  
"Why are you struggling?!" he hissed. "This'll be over in a minute. This hurts me more than it hurts you--well, no, okay, it'll definitely hurt you more, but I have to cook something special for Snape."  
The lid in place, Sirius made for the stove with the howling pan.  
"Stop it, Sirius," Lupin said softly but affirmatively. Sirius gave a sexy little pout, but Lupin's eyes bore into him, unrelenting. With a sigh of resignation, Black turned and shoved the pan on the counter.  
"I'm bored," Sirius whined pitifully.  
"Well, we can't have that," Lupin sighed, remembering all the things Black had felt compelled to do out of boredom. Setting Kreacher on fire, drinking an entire bottle of hot sauce, piercing his own nipples. . . Lupin shuddered at his friend's stupidity. There was of course the time Black had removed Snape's underpants in front of the school--that had done wonders for the rumors going around that the two were gay. Lupin mentally noted that you couldn't forget the time James and Sirius had made a seven foot tall replica of the Taj Mahal out of mashed potatoes in the Gryffindor common room or the time they had enchanted the school kitchen's house elves into performing the Nutcracker ballet. As memories of past acts of madness came roaring back to Remus, he seized Sirius by the elbow and hauled him away from the kitchen of stoves and sharp, pointy things. The two entered the adjacent room just in time to see Snape entering from the other direction.  
"Finally coming out of the closet, are we Snivellus?"  
"I see your perceptions are as sharp as ever, Black. That's not a closet and you're still improperly using collective pronouns."  
"What's a pronoun?" Black hissed to Lupin, who was forcefully trying to push Black up the stairs and away from Snape.  
"You're not so high and mighty without James to watch your back, are you Black?" Black turned on his heel.  
"You didn't." He stalked towards Snape, whipping his wand out of a pocket. "There's only one way to settle this, Snivellus."  
"A duel."  
"No. Staring contest." For a moment, Severus deluded himself into thinking Black had finally mastered the art of sarcasm. Bloody hell, it wasn't sarcasm. Black was serious, standing there staring incessantly at Snape. And for the more childish parts of him, Severus found himself staring back. Lupin collapsed on the stairs. He knew this could take a while.  
Three hours later, Lupin had fallen asleep on the staircase. Staring contests were odious enough among muggles and underaged wizards. However, when "mature" wizards started hexing their own eyes open . . . Sometimes these events could go on for weeks. Moony stirred awake and glanced at the clock and then to the two competing wizards. Just when Lupine had resigned to being fated to spend his summer refereeing a staring match, a strange thing happened.  
The door adjoining the kitchen to the common room was slowly inching open and a roasting pan shuffling in. Snape was being strangely oblivious about the whole event of the duct taped pan lurching forward a few centimeters at a time. When the pan landed directly between Black and Snape, however, both broke their concentration and looked down.  
"What sort of spell--?" Snape began aimlessly.  
"It's not a spell. Sirius stuck the house elf in there."  
"The perhaps we should release it."  
"No," Black cut in. "Let's follow him." The three men were somewhat beyond their better senses and set off after the moving pan. At an agonizingly slow pace, they followed the trapped house elf out of the common room, down the hall, into a closet and through what appeared to be a dog flap in the back of the closet. After wriggling through the small opening, Lupin and Black--Snape had grown bored--found themselves in what seemed to be another of Kreacher's store holds. In fact, no sooner had they entered then the pan holding Kreacher began to throw itself at the floor repeatedly until the tape tore loose and the disoriented elf spilled on to the floor below.  
Kreacher took no notice of the two strangers in his odd little fortress. Rather, he picked up a knife from the table and began to chant what was apparently a voodoo curse intermixed with the lyrics of the "Macerena." Kreacher then began to launch himself at what had once been a portrait of Sirius, but now the canvas was ripped and shredded nearly beyond recognition. This didn't seem to deter Kreacher in the least, but rather the house elf tore and stabbed the painting with unprecedented fury. A startled Sirius backed up slowly and began to crawl back into the closet, Lupin pushing him in a panic. The two ran from the room and collapsed into chairs in the common room.  
"That was the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen," Black laughed.  
"You've never seen Tonks naked twice in the same week."  
"I've seen you naked."  
"Yeah, but you liked it." Black shrugged guiltily.  
"What's that noise?" Black asked, looking to the ceiling and changing the topic. *********  
Hermione couldn't find her copy of Hogwarts: A History in days. She had wanted to memorize the entire text this summer, but now it had taken missing. Hermione wandered through the upstairs rooms, wondering if Kreacher might have placed the book somewhere strange. As Hermione let herself into the room the twins were sharing, she noticed that the hatch to the attic had been pulled open and a ladder propped inside. Hermione supposed Kreacher might have carried the book up there, and so she climbed the ladder into the attic.  
What Hermione saw really didn't surprise her. A complex but none to sturdy looking system of pulleys had been rigged from the ceiling. Many ropes hung off the system and some of these lead to Fred and George, decked out in harnesses and hardhats. The other ropes lead to Ginny, who appeared to be spotting the whole activity.  
"What in Merlin's name are you doing?" Hermione moaned. The twins and Ginny looked at her in surprise.  
"We discovered a closed off dumbwaiter passage in the wall of the dining room where they've been having the Order of the Phoenix meetings."  
"So you're going to what? Repel on down?"  
"They might have guarded that room against every conceivable spying spell, but they never expected some good ol' fashion spelunking," Fred beamed with pride, apparently missing Hermione's sarcasm.  
"You don't know the first thing about caving or that equipment," Hermione sighed.  
"Nope," affirmed George, tugging at the clip on his harness, apparently trying to test its strength. "But that's never stopped us before. Ready, Fred? Let's test this thing."  
"I'm not watching this," Hermione sighed. "Ginny, if they start to fall--drop 'em. Don't risk your safety for this stupidity." With that, she turned, climbed back down the ladder, and headed to her room.  
Hermione opened her door to the most disturbing sight of her life.  
  
********  
  
Moony and Black heard a blood curdling scream coming from the floor above them Black looked quizzically at his friend.  
"Don't look at me. It wasn't my fault this time, mate," Lupin muttered.  
At that moment, Hermione tore down the steps, cheeks flushed.  
"I . . . just saw . . . the most . . . horrible thing!" she sobbed.  
"Was it Kreacher's fault?" Black asked, rising at the chance to punish the house elf.  
"No, not . . . him. Professor Snape. He was . . . he was . . . he was TAP DANCING!" Hermione bawled from the emotional trauma of it all. 


	4. Mary Sue

Chapter IV  
  
by Meg Kenobi  
  
afirmationaol.com  
  
Disclaimer: If I were J.K. Rowling, I'd be writing Year 6, not fan fiction. Obviously I do not own Harry Potter or any of its respective trademarks. No infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.   
  
Author's Note: Apologies for mispellings and a really wierd English teacher who somewhere along the line told me I should switch off refering to people between their first and last names. It looked rather schizo so I will try to stop. ((As always, sorry for the delay.)) Oh, JKR has conceded that Hermione was supposed to have a sister. So . . . :D  
  
---  
  
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom  
  
"Those Americans are really obsessed with their reality television." Hermione muttered, flipping through a featured story in a stupid teen magazine her sister had sent. Something dark flickered through her eyes. "I'd like to nominate voting off the island Sirius Black for two counts of house elf abuse and Severus Snape for inapprpriate tap dancing."  
  
"Silly girl! Don't you know how these shows work? You don't just get to vote people off the island. First you have to make alliances, eat bugs, and hyperventilate for the camera. Besides," Sirius boasted, "I have immunity."  
  
"How do you figure?" Hermione scoffed.  
  
"Hello?! It's my house!" Sirius scoffed at Hermione, who returned the best Snape sneer she had been practicing. Sirius continued regardless, "Besides, if we play any reality game it would be the "Bachelor." Everyone can try to seduce me. Or we could play "The Mole." But that's too easy; it's Snivellus. Why are you still here?"  
  
"Waiting for Dumbledore's instructions. Unlike some, I perform useful tasks, although I don't expect you to understand. By the way, why would we want to seduce you? I thought that was the werewolf's job."  
  
"Quiet, dancerboy."  
  
"I had to use some talent to get into Voldemort's inner circle. Arrogance and stupidity may have seemed enough for you in school Black, but others -- "  
  
"I have a splendid idea for a game." Lupin had rocketed to his feet. "It's called . . . umm . . . Corners. Yes, it's called Corners. Yes, and, ah, how it works is: everyone has an assigned place. And you have to stay there. No talking, laughing, getting up."  
  
"What if I get hungry? Or have to visit the little wizard's room? Or what if there's a fire?" Sirius whined. "Or a tornado? Or if I suddenly understand the mysteries of the universe and forget? Or Voldemort walks through the door --."  
  
"Shut up. Shut up and never mind." Lupin was nearly trembling with aggravation when suddenly the doorbell rang. This was surprising not only because they had not been expecting company, but because none of them had been aware the house had a muggle doorbell.  
  
No one in particular opened the door, for sequencing and detail were not particularly important. But the girl who stood in the doorway made up for everything, even world hunger. She was tall and very thin with piercing violet eyes and silvery curls tumbling over her shoulders. Her delicate features were complimented by her gracefully pointed ears.   
  
"Hi, my name is Andromeda Dawn Gwenyvere Morgan Mary Sue Granger. I'm Hermione's sister."  
  
"You look wierd," Tonks said with her usual tact.  
  
"Oh, well you see, I am half veela and half elf," she smiled.  
  
"But how is that -- your parents are muggles -- elf?" Tonks stammered.  
  
"Oh, I could certainly tell you the whole story, if you have time," she smiled like Miss America, which was again an odd metaphor, as no one in the room was American.  
  
"Nothing but time," Ron muttered, thoroughly engrossed in the needlepoint he had recently adopted as a hobby.  
  
"Well then, I was born in a place called Middle Earth--."  
  
"Wait," snapped Hermione, hand raised out of habit, "I read those books. They are set a really long time ago. Mr. Tolkien meant for them to be taken as an exploration of the origins wizarding world. There's no way anyone from that time could be alive, especially if she was claiming to be half American; the end of the elven world pre-dates the discovery of America. Besides, how did you get to read the books anyway? Have you been in my room again?!"  
  
"Sod off, Hermione," Harry sighed dreamily, having just realized he was in love with Andromeda Dawn Gwenyvere Morgan Mary Sue Granger.   
  
"Anyway, as I was saying, I was born in a place called Middle Earth to an American born veela woman who was accidentally transported there by a freak time turner accident . . . and I try not to let their miserable demise and dark secrets dampen my cheery demeanor in front of my adoptive family . . . of course, I have all sorts of elvin and veela powers . . . and that's how my beautiful gift of song tamed my pet unicorn . . . and so you see, I'm actually the biological daughter of Sirius Black . . . so I've gone to school in America until know, but because I'm the youngest head girl ever, captain of my house quidditch team, and top in all my subjects, Dumbledore has personally invited me to come join Hogwarts as the new Gryffindor seeker and Head Girl. I'm also going to be in command of Dumbledore's Army . . ."  
  
"MOMMY! MAKE HER STOP!" Ron howled, utterly in pain.  
  
"I'll take care of her," Sirius Black growled, pulling his wand. "She's clearly full of dark, evil magic if Kreacher can stand her." In fact, Kreacher sitting on her lap, smiling in admiration at the wonderful Andromeda Dawn Gwenyvere Morgan Mary Sue Granger.  
  
"No, Black, I know how to deal with her type," Snape volunteered bravely. "She's an agent of Voldemort if I ever saw one."  
  
In the middle of the room, Severus Snape was doing a seductive pole dance involving a great deal of nipple rubbing. From somewhere the song "I Touch Myself," had begun to play as he stripped and tap danced in time to the music. Suddenly, Andromeda Dawn Gwenyvere Morgan Mary Sue Granger's head exploded, revealing a robotic carpace. Hermione did not look particularly upset.   
  
"It's just like in Dudley's favorite movie . . . " Harry mused.  
  
"At least she wasn't a big ball of mystical energy transformed into an annoyingly cute kleptomaniac," Tonks offered as they watched the "girl" smolder. "There again, that might have been better. Just so long as there wasn't singing." It was a pity none of them noticed the odd little pendant around the headless neck of Hermione's sister until the next chapter. 


End file.
